| so im pretty sure no one ever reads this thing, but those of you that do i guess can see this.
so i thought of a pretty confusing question. try to think of an answer for yourself. Is it possible to have just about everything in the world going for you, but to still feel like you have nothing but the clothes on your back? if its possible, thats the feeling i have right now. this week/year has been sooooo up and down for some reason. one week is amazing, then the next week is terrible, then the week after is amazing again. It goes in an exact pattern and i cant figure out why. It doesnt make any sense at all really. I go to a Christian school with people and teachers who care about me/my well-being just about as much as i do, I work a job pretty much any day i want so that i can have some money on the weekends and whatnot, my parents just bought be a brand new 2006 eclipse, which i dont deserve AT ALL by the way, i have my own computer, ipod, bed, tv, a closet full of clothes, 75% of which i never wear at all, i get to be editor of the yearbook which i have figured out to be one of the coolest things i have ever done. Its like i can actually put down my ideas and creativity in to one massive yearlong project, and its really been a good experience for me to spend time with kristen and bryan and molly and vinny every day. they really are good people and im glad they have stepped up and become leaders with me this year. AND it has been a blessing to me to get to be in Dr felps' class every morning. she is truly a role model person and she is a great encourager. I admire her for her willingness to say what she believes is right in front of all those high school kids, anyway, school in general, and so all that PLUS my band which is more successful than i know what to do with. how did we get on taste of chaos? i have no idea. WHY are we being the subject of a new tv show? no clue. WHY are we going to be on warped tour this summer?? why can we pick and choose what kind of contract we want? HOW did we get to go to the grammys?? why are we SPONSORED by my two favorite brands of clothes? how can that possibly happen to ME? how has the Lord blessed me with a band of brothers like this? it doesnt make any sense to me now and the more i have been thinkng about it the more i come to realize that it probably will never make sense to me. so that has become a huge stress in my life lately. speaking of stress, i went to visit DBU a few weeks ago, and i was sitting in chapel singing sitting next to my mom and i couldnt breathe. my chest felt like it was caving in and i only had 2 breaths a minute. i turned to her and told her i couldnt breathe and she was just like calm down. so i did. so that night i randomly go to wednesday night church which i usually never get to do and the topic is anxiety. random? yes. so i was like hmmm thats weird i was just having issues with that today. so we talk about stress and anxiety in our small group, and of course me being me, i went off on how i had been stressed out the past few days and i couldnt breathe and everything and i talked about all that was going on in my life like school band work etc...At this point i still was having trouble breathing. so everyone in the group said a prayer for me and all my stress. so i leave to go home and i get in my car and what happens? i can breathe again. weird. prayer actually worked? yeah. dannnng. that gave me a lot of hope the next couple of weeks. speaking of hope. most of you know who my friend "jane" is (im not going to use her real name, if ur smart u'll figure it out). we are really good friends and we have dated and whatnot, but i just feel like talking about her right now for some reason. so since i had first seen her i had a crush on her. like 6 months later we end up dating randomly. im like whaoosaosjoaj how am i dating this girl ive had a crush on forever? but thats besides the point. so we hung out a lot and everything, did the normal dating scenario a couple of times and all that jazz. We randomly would talk about Christianity every once in a while. She told me she was not an avid church-goer, and knew about spirituality but decided it really wasnt her thing. so i was really distrought about all this. was it right for me to date someone who didnt believe what i did? i talked to my dad about it and whatnot and he didnt really have any answers for me. so i just kindof let it go, even though she could tell it bothered me. so everything was going great then all of a sudden out of nowhere we break up. so i was just like hmmmm okay? and so me being me again, i went along like nothing was wrong. so about a month goes by and we dont really talk. christmas season happens and whatnot then january 1st 2006, i check my email and i have one from "jane". so i think to myself "jane"! ive missed her! so heres what it said:
Kent!!!
hello!!
I would like you to know about something beyond amazing that has happened in my life recently. I went on a Young life ski trip with a group from my school and it changed my life. Each night we would go to "club" where people would talk about Christ and life and a bunch of other things and I got to thinking aout things you said when we were dating and a bunch of other things going on in my life recently. The timing of everything was just perfect and all came together during my week in colorado and I am reestablishing my relationship with Christ and accepting Him into my heart. You played a small role in this by telling me your story about how He changed your life and I just wanted to thank you because I feel more complete now than I have in a very long time. So if you look back on the short time we were dating with regret or disdain or any other negative feelings, I want you to think about this and realize that you helped change my life in a bigger way than anyone will ever know. Thank you for not trying to push God onto me when I wasn't ready and thank you for talking to me about it. You really are helping people, if you realize it or not and I really thank Him and pray everything is going well in your life!
-jane
so that letter basically put everything in perspective. i was like wow dang. haha. sometimes i still will read it just to remind myself of who i should be. Theres usually always a time in my week when i feel like im never the person i wish i could be. All that i can do is try to do better next time. its impossible to be perfect, everyone knows that, but i can take one more step every time to try and achieve it i guess. but anyway, i love you (jane) and you have been an inspiration and light in my life that will never be replaced.
aaaaanyway, ummm i love mostly all of my friends. thank you. bonnie. you are such a good friend and in the least sexual or romantic way possible, i do love you. thank you being there for me and everything. thanks for our talks in italy and our friendship this year. just know i would do the same for you.
so all that being said, why am i feeling so empty? whats wrong with me? until i figure out an answer im just going to leave it alone and let it go. ill pray some about it and that should help.
take care guys,
from kent.
<3
|
